The more he loves, the more he tortures!

The more he loves, the more he tortures - it’s familiar to us, isn’t it? Or maybe we like to be deceived, convincing ourselves that love is impossible without pain. We tried to find out why the urge towards relations without response appears and to classify "everyday masochists".

For adventurers emotional shakings are really necessary.  Philanderers can be referred to this category, for them the essential thing in their relations with women is the process of “winning” a woman, and the more the object of courting turns him down and mocks at him, the more pleasure he gets. As soon as the target is struck, the interest is lost. Such a model of relationship can be found in family relations. A philanderer will most probably marry a woman who doesn’t love him and will torment him till the end of time.Women of this type can’t stand quiet and caring husbands. Rows with breaking plates and dishes, constant unfaithfulness of her husband and tempestuous rows ending in not less tempestuous sex are necessary for them as the breath of life.     

People of this type cannot base their relations on equality and mutual respect, they are used only to domination or obedience. A philanderer and an adventuress can make almost an ideal couple.

Cowards are terribly afraid of failures and changes in their lives and look for a person who could take all the responsibility, usually choosing an autocratic person as their second half. And then they can gossip with their friends that all the men are bastards saying “This fellow spoilt all my life” or “If it were not for him, I would… ”. I remember the incidence with my neighbour, whose husband treated her as a servant and from time to time  used his fists to teach her how to live. Once she came to my house complaining about wasted youth, asked for advice to deal with a home  tyrant as she thoroughly depended upon him. “Divorce him and find a proper job”, I answered. She doesn’t ask me for advice any more and still has bruises on her body. For such people it’s easier to bear torments than to change their life and be independent.

This type of everyday masochists is also common among men. I guess you know several couples, where a woman  plays a  role of a powerful housekeeper, and a man – of a resentful child. In the company of men the favorite subject of conversation for them sounds like this “All women are bitches.” “And mine is….’ Why don’t they quit their wives? And who will feed them, knot the tie for them, talk to their boss about the promotion and plan their expenses then?    

"Heroines" is purely a female type, though the exceptions are possible. The wife of an alcoholic who takes him to the doctors,  who “fights for him. “How can I quit, he won’t manage without  me”,  this is how she explains her behaviour to her  acquaintances , but in fact she has the need to be the victim of her husband or children. This gives her the meaning of life, the feeling of self-importance. And if he really gives up drinking, “heroine ” will switch on somebody else, for example she can start  taking home all  homeless cats to make her neighbors happier.

What do all these types have in common?

It’s their diffidence. Quite so. Some people are afraid of being responsible for their lives, others are afraid of close and sincere relations. Freud would say it’s the result of childhood complexes and the model of social behaviour common in the family.

It’s really difficult to find a happy and harmonious family nowadays and as a result children get anomalous conception of relations between men and women.

But if you want to be happy and enjoy your lives, it’s time for you to realize your problems and overcome them. And if you went through serious relationship more than once and your beloved always tormented you, the problem may  lie in you.