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In February of this past year, I met a man on line... It wasn't through a dating service, because at the time I was still (happly) married...Or so I thought! I had fallen into a deep depression, that started back in October of 2005... It was a slow process, so I didn't even realize what was happening to me. 2 years prior, I had tried to leave my husband because he wouldn't spend anytime with me, ever! I would beg and plead for us to go for a walk, a picnic in the park, to play a board game, out for dinner and a movie/dancing... He wouldn't ever go... He only wanted his computer (for online purposes) and his tv.... But when I tried to leave 2yrs before this, he broke down, on his knees, cryed, and begged for me to stay... Saying that he would do anything to make the marriage work!
I mentioned how unhappy I was, and that we would need alot of counseling! So, he agreed! We saw a marriage counselor for about a year and a half... We would take a date night here or there... and he would still be somewhat the same as before, but as I can see more clearly now, he was brainwashing me!! He was trying to make me feel guilty and responsible for the man that he was! And that it was all my fault for him not wanting to spend time with me, ever!
As time went on... I found it harder and harder to get through to my husband, and that I was slipping into being what I had always feared, a robotic wife!! I then started to tell everyone how blessed I was to have him for my husband, and I would send him love emails to work, which he NEVER responded too... I would comfort him everyday, and do anything, and everything to make and keep him happy, and if he wasn't happy that day, then I felt that I had failed that day!!
Around the begining of February, my soon to be ex, bought me a laptop for my birthday. So I went online and made a few websites, and went on many message boards... I was having fun meeting people from all over the world, and doing things just for me!!
Then I visited a site called "The Friendship Page", and browsed around.. I went into a section called "Find-A-Friend", where I registered, and start looking at the selection of men and women in there around my age group... I am 34yrs old.. And came across one man's name... So I emailed him, and he emailed me back the very next day!!
I had been very honest in my email... How I was married with two boys...ect. I even told him that I was (happily married) because at the time, I believe that that's what I wanted to believe, but it wasn't true, not by a long shot!!
As we got to know each other online, from emailing and IM-ing everyday... We knew that feelings were growing! I had been talking, but not really "listening" to what I was telling him... And he caught on quite a few discrepencies... After awhile, towards the end of March, he knew that my marriage was actually introuble, and that I had to do something about it!!
He told me that any descion that I make, would have to be mine, and mine alone!! He would respect any decision I would make, and would always want to remain friends...
Well, by this time, I had lost a drastict amount of weight! I was only drinking a 4 ounce glass of water in the morning, and another midday... No food!! I would only go to the bathroom twice aday, no longer showered, and no longer plugged into my kids! I had isolated myself from ALL friends and family, and the whole time, my husband was right there, and NEVER NOTICED!!! He never said a word about it!! NOT 1 TIME!! How could he not see that my pants were falling off?? How could he not see that I no longer talked to him at all?? Or that I was no longer social with family and friends, when that's just who I am, a social butterfly!!??
I decided to finally end the marriage once and for all!! So, in April, I told him it was over! And right as I said it, a weight was lifting off my shoulders!! I immediatley started to eat, drink, and sleep again! I started taking better care of myself too!!
My soon to be ex would NOT make things easy for me though! He was angry! and full of RAGE!! I was still intimated by him to some degree, but the fact that I could have died over the winter, and that my sons would no longer have a mother, just gave me the strength I needed to keep pushing forward!
By May2006, I had the divorce proceedings started! But my ex will not go down without a fight! He has played sooo many games, and has stalked me!! He pinned me on the bed and tried to have his way with me too!! He had an "Order of Protection" on him for this too! He's got alot of mental issues! and as time goes on, I see just how bad of a marriage we had!!
In June2006, I had been legally seperated from my spouse for 1month. So, I met this wonderful man from online! I fell for him deeply!! I had been alone for so long that it felt real good to have affection, and attention for me!!
I now have been seperated for 4months (after being in a 13yr marriage!)
And I am sooo inlove with the man that I met online! He's down to earth, and very straight forward!! Real, and hinest too! He's telling me that now ould be a good time to date around... I didn't want to, but he insisted!! So. I just recently started to date abit... It's not the greatest thing in the world!! But at least I am trying....
But with this, my boyfriend says he now needs time to think things through, and this way, we'll both know where we stand in our relationship...
I really don't want to date! I am sooo afraid!! I trust the man I am in love with now, but I don't know I am going in my life!!
I guess I will just have to wait and see how this all plays out!! I do know that regurdless of "the other man"!I am getting out!! I have to save me!
What do you think?? Should I try to strengthen our relationship? O should I just walk away, but still be find away to stay connected to him, and be his friend, hoping that in time, he will want me too!!??
Thanks for your thoughts... They really mean alot!
Tiff
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